I’m going to say it. In the words of Popeye, I’ve had about alls I can stand, and I can’t stands no more. When you’re this confused, grammar is the first thing to be dumped out of the moving vehicle.

Why, oh why, oh why, in God’s name has some madman given Diego Maradona the Argentina coach’s job?

I’ve been waiting ever since the announcement for some other slick writer on this site to explain to me exactly how this appointment constitutes sound decision-making and logic, but since none have been forthcoming, I feel it’s been enough time for me to mercilessly rip this turn of events to shreds. Hey, I’m an embittered hack who can’t play football. It’s my job, right?

You can’t discuss Maradona impartially with Englishmen. Whenever I conjure up the image of his Vileda Supermop hair I hear the word ‘cheat’ being slowly chanted by a grandstand behind me, starting softly but growing into a crescendo of hatred and spittle. There’s not an article written about Maradona since 1986 that could not be made more accurate by replacing certain words with the word ‘cheat’. It’s quite an entertaining game. Take the following sentence:

“Diego Armando Maradona, the legendary number ten of Argentina, virtually won the World Cup in Mexico in 1986 with a swashbuckling display of steady captaincy and at times, quite breathtaking individual skill.”

If your comprehension skills are up to much, you will have written the following words: “Cheat cheat cheat cheat cheating cheaty cheater.”

Now, the fun part’s over. I do want to dissect this subject thoroughly and so let’s get the obvious part out of the way first. Yes, Maradona scored a goal with his hand in 1986 and yes, England lost. I, like most people, recognise the absolute brilliance of some of Maradona’s international and club football because I would be mad to deny it. Doesn’t make him a lovely person, though.

I get why the AFA have hired Maradona as a coach, but I don’t see what good they think it will do. Maradona was a fine footballer but in his brief coaching jobs, he has been absolutely crummy. The two jobs he took over in Argentina didn’t exactly thrust the boy into the eternal fires of derby hell, and he left both when it was clear that when it came to tactics, he didn’t see the point.

This doesn’t necessarily make him a bad candidate, just a different one. After all, Kevin Keegan is a self-confessed fan of motivation over method. There are parallels with Kevin Keegan in the Maradona story, albeit one where a man from Scunthorpe parallels one from a Buenos Aires shanty-town. Both were media darlings (Maradona continues to be), both moved to unfashionable European clubs and helped them achieve wild success, both captained their country, both earned media deals unprecedented at the time, and both were made coach of the national side. The only thing that sets Maradona apart is that he hasn’t resigned in a media shit-storm yet. That, and the positive cocaine tests. And the air rifles. And the affairs, and the late night chat show, and the myocardial infarctions, and the Cuban clinic, and the tattoos of Castro and Che Guevara. But at least Maradona hasn’t been hit with baseball bats.

Whichever way you look at it, Maradona clearly hasn’t been recruited for his coaching skills. No matter what apologists try to fob off about him being the true coach on the pitch or a Captain Marvel, Maradona plays to his own beat and the players fitted in around that. The squad of 1986 is a case in point. Jorge Valdona, Oscar Ruggeri and Jorge Burruchaga were fine players but would anybody seriously have thought they would have taken the trophy without the boy Diego? No, if you watch footage, by and large Maradona pulls the strings, and they shut up and let him win it. If there was ever such a thing as a one-man team, Argentina were it (apart from Liverpool, that is).

Maradona has been bought in as a figurehead of a national team in need of some pep. You might find this odd seeing as their young players have just bought home the Olympic gold but for the two-time World Cup winners there is a sense of an entire generation being lost. The team after the retirement of Maradona have flattered to deceive, with players like Crespo, Batistuta, Ortega and Simeone being comparatively successful with club sides but not at international level. To lose one set of legends is a mistake, two lose two is downright suicidal. Maradona is supposed to be the key that makes the current crop play with freedom, desire, passion and fun, just like he used to. It’s notable that his technical coach is Carlos Bilardo, a far more pragmatic and successful manager.

Argentina see this combination as the one to bring the right amount of flair and technical ability to their national game. To one that marries the movement of the streets to the cold technicality of the modern era. So who do they choose to test it on? Scotland. A high-profile friendly useful for but one thing – money. Oh yeah, almost forgot about that. Argentina are certainly a more fiscally attractive option with Maradona in the hotseat. It’s a personality appointment, made with the heart and wallet (heavily leaning towards the latter) rather than the head.

It would be a lie for me to say I wanted to see Maradona succeed because the England fan in me would like nothing better than to see him fall on his collection of ample buttocks. But one thing’s for certain – with Maradona as coach the Argentines can say goodbye to dull moments. Whether they’ve said goodbye to concerted punts at success remains to be seen. But while the reasons for choosing him might be insane, I’ll be intrigued to see how he gets on purely out of morbid fascination.

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