At times, Major League Soccer in this country can seem like a farce. Now, us Brits like a farce (witness any Government enquiry, for example) but it’s mainly the preserve of our Continental brothers to provide some convincing slapstick. Add both, and you’ve got Mamma Mia! Singing along to the ABBA back catalogue today:
Arsenal may have done their Money Money Money with AC Milan refusing to pay a smidgen over £24 million for Emmanuel Adebayor, but the president of Barcelona is screaming “Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight), preferably that bloke from Arsenal.” Arsene Wenger doesn’t care, because emboldened by his signing of yet another promising youngster, he’s decided to Ring Ring Zenit St. Petersburg and give them £12 million for Andrei Arshavin.
Aston Villa’s players are barricading the Bodymoor Heath gates and shouting “The King Has Lost His Crown” at Gareth Barry, locked out for the foreseeable future. Martin O’Neill is tired of feeling like the Man In The Middle in the most tedious story since A Year In Provence. Shaun Maloney would have settled in Brum by now If It Wasn’t For The Nights and so he’s heading back to Celtic, with superstar Lee Naylor coming back to the Midlands Like Old Friends Do.
Blackburn have transmitted an SOS after both David Bentley and Christopher Samba May-I'd closer to the exit door at Ewood Park. Bentley has told Paul Ince that it’s My Love, My Life and he’s offski. Chris Samba is getting on the Blackburn-Man City Merry-Go-Round to join up with Hughesy.
Bolton are trying to lure Simon Vukevik from Sporting Lisbon by turning the Reebok into a Tropical Wonderland. And by offering loads of cash.
But it’s a Crazy World at Chelsea where it’s really gone insane. Arsenal-bound Andrei Arshavin has had word from Roman Abramovich that he wants him to go to Chelsea. Arshavin’s advisors have whispered “He Is Your Brother” in his ear and Arshavin is inclined to agree with them. The club has also offered Frank ‘A Colonel’s Meal with a Diet Coke, Please’ Lampard £140,000 a week to stay, plus loads of Chiquitita brand bananas and all the Honey, Honey he wants. On the flipside, Scolari has Disillusion with Didier Drogba and wants to sell him, while he wants to swap Florent Malouda for Barca’s Samuel Eto’o to make his side As Good As New.
Fulham have not been drumming their fingers on a counter and murmuring Dum Dum Diddle. Oh, no. They want Reading’s ginger Tiger Dave Kitson to fill their useless striker berth now Diomansy Kamara is Sitting In The Palmtree (crazy West London slang for “long-term injury”). Elsewhere, it’s a case of Knowing Me, Knowing You between Roy Hodgson and Hakan Yakin, who worked together at Grasshoppers Zurich and will do again in London. He’ll probably arrive at Waterloo at some point, too.
Should I Laugh Or Should I Cry is what most Man City fans pondered whenever the ball came to Georgios Samaras, but Hull City want him for the season. Watch Out Row J, is my advice.
Portsmouth are willing to pay £10 million for Peter “I’m A Marionette” Crouch but in a race between them and a Spurs swap deal involving Robbie Keane, surely The Winner Takes It All. And apparently Chelsea’s Dancing Queen Shaun Wright-Phillips will seek Another Town, Another Trainer to kick-start his career on the South Coast n’all.
But big news of the day involves West Brom’s Kevin Phillips, who’ll be having more than Kisses Of Fire aimed at him when he joins West Midlands rivals Birmingham City. We’re aware he’s a former Villa player too, but Does Your Mother Know? She will do when he announces I Am The City and the Bluenose fans put St. Andrew’s Under Attack.
There’s more Cristiano Ronaldo news too. Man Yoo and Real Madrid are waiting for him to say I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do to one of them but it’s been delayed due to a knee-knack operation. This could force United’s hand to sell, or Real’s to drop out of the deal. I reckon it’s the former. How do I know? I Saw It In The Mirror.
There; over thirty ABBA song titles in today’s transfer news and I didn’t once have to shoehorn in Fernando Torres. Bugger.
